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Pope Worried Punishing French Bishops Will Only Make Them Hornier

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VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis admitted to being concerned that punishing the French clergy responsible for decades of sexual abuse of minors may only make them hornier, according to sources within the Vatican.

“Those who are guilty must live with the shame of the pain they have caused to these young people, and the dishonor they have brought upon the Church; but if we were to punish them with legal action or exposure, it may serve to only titillate those naughty priests further,” His Holiness Pope Francis decreed to the Roman Curia. “Surely, the greater punishment would be to relocate these evildoers somewhere in the French countryside, where, unknown to those communities, they would have to brood in their secret guilt among the world-class wineries and quaint patisseries.”

Gerard Roussel, a leading member of the commission that generated the bombshell report documenting decades of abuse by French clergy, agreed with the Pope’s assessment.

“Our findings of more than 200,000 victims of Catholic priests in France is absolutely horrific, but swift action to combat these wrongs would fly in the face of Catholic dogma,” Roussel argued. “The French bishops’ response to these allegations for years has been to cover them up, to protect the Church at all costs. To change that strategy now and disrupt the time-honored traditions of victim blaming and deceit would be to go against everything the Church stands for. Plus, these guys are total pervs. They probably want to be yelled at or whipped. Maybe even tied up and told they are going to Hell like the sick, sad, dirty boys that they are.”

Samir Donovan, a journalist who has covered the Church’s abuse scandal extensively, said that the link between shame and arousal within the clergy may go back centuries.

“Catholic priests are basically experts in shame-related kink, particularly in Europe. Many have extensive knowledge of medieval torture, a pathological disdain for their own corporeal urges, and profound shame around expressing any sexuality,” Donovan explained. “It’s impossible to know if predators are drawn to the Church, or if the Church’s policies draw out predatory behavior — probably both — but the guilty parties need to be punished, no matter how much it turns them on.”

At press time, a collection of Cardinals were hard at work selecting ceremonial ball gags for the priests to wear for the remainder of the investigation.

The post Pope Worried Punishing French Bishops Will Only Make Them Hornier appeared first on The Hard Times.

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15 days ago
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Facebook Banned Me for Life Because I Help People Use It Less

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Facebook’s behavior isn’t just anti-competitive; it’s anti-consumer.

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16 days ago
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“I quit”: Cory Doctorow on smoking, indifference, and denialism

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ReadLots
32 days ago
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"Its how members of the Paltrow-Industrial Complex played the BBC and other sober-sided media outlets, demanding that they be given airtime to rebut scientists’ careful, empirical claims with junk they made up on the spot."
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Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal - Software

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Click here to go see the bonus panel!

Hovertext:
All examples from the book Noise, by Kahneman, Sibony, and Sunstein, which I'm enjoying right now.


Today's News:
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popular
48 days ago
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ReadLots
50 days ago
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2 public comments
jlvanderzwan
49 days ago
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Obligatory "impossibly hungry judges" link:

http://m.nautil.us/blog/impossibly-hungry-judges
kleer001
49 days ago
I heard it's because open and shut cases tend to be seen before lunch as they're fast to decide
jlvanderzwan
47 days ago
That is a good alternative hypothesis, yeah
jepler
50 days ago
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Plus racism.
Earth, Sol system, Western spiral arm

Why Economists Don’t Write More Papers on Political Finance

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ReadLots
69 days ago
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Who Is Being Monitored?

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ReadLots
72 days ago
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"If privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privacy."
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